taking a break from work.  while on my yosi break (or cancer break as most of us would call it), i suddenly realized how i love....him.  i suddenly miss him.  i suddenly miss how we were before, where we can just meet up anytime since we don't have work that time.  he was just a text away if i wanted company.  i miss his hugs, i miss his hands entwined into mine, most of all, i miss talking to him.  our conversation usually comprises of the bloopers that we had when we were at college; when he was the president of our class and believe it or not, i was the VP.

                it's just sad that now that as we age (or grow up, whichever term is more appropriate) we get to spend less time with each other.  i hardly see him, even on weekends, and that's because mostly during weekends, we hibernate. literally hibernate to sleeping, which we are greatly deprived of during weekdays. 

                we just had our 2nd monthsarry, 16th of this month.  sadly enough, we weren't able to celebrate it.  well it's kind of my fault.  i made up a fight.  it's another story to tell but to cut it short, he got mad at me and i got mad at him so we didn't even get the chance to meet up, even just to dine out.  this week, i saw him just once.  and that woudn't even happen if another friend of us didn't ask us to accompany her at PRC.

                admittedly, there are times when i doubt the relationship that we have now.  it scares me.  because it happened too fast.  remember the expression, "too good to be true"?? that's what i'm feeling.  it's like imprinted on my brainwaves. it's like a pimple that just won't go away.  i have doubts of course,  because this is all what i've wanted ever since i fell for him.  this is the climax of our story.  and that exactly is what scares me.  if this is the climax of our story, then eventually it will lead to the ending.  i used to believe in forever.  there was a point in my life where i really thought that everything or at least something ends happily ever after.  but i guess with experience and maturity comes the realization that nothing lasts forever.  and i know that for a fact.  and the thought of it scares the shit out of me.  does this mean it's all going to be downhill from here??

                yes, call me a pessimist. i call it being realistic.  think of it, do you know someone, from your group of friends or relatives, who lasted forever?  who never once in their life, cheated from their partner.  it happens.  every single day.  i constantly hear this from all forms of media: morning radio shows, tv talk shows and even in the internet.  and this is a girl-guy relationship that i'm talking about.  the representation of adam and eve.  what about for guys having a relationship with their kind, imagine how much more prone it is to breakups.  like what they say, "men cheat by nature".  it's like they, (or WE) are designed to hunt for someone else when they're...attached.  it's like a trigger for them (or US). 

                truth is, i don't know where i'm going with what i'm blogging about.  but my point is this, why did i even crossed the line?  it's like crossing a border line between S. Korea and N. Korea.  the moment i step within the border of N. Korea, i know i'm going to be shot.  why did i even attempt crossing it??? for a challenge? to live the dream i've longed for who-knows-how long??? i just don't want to feel the way i felt before. i'm scared of the old me.   because being the old me made me an unproductive and fruitless scumbag. 

haaay...i'm confused.

have to go back to work.